Searching for a New Apartment - Again

There's something that I have learned very recently (about 11 months ago): Looking for a new place to live is a blessing.

It reminds us of the impermanence of life. 

It reminds me that, in the most real sense possible, I don't really have a home here (not yet, at least). No place will ever give me rest - true rest - rest for my soul.

Transience is life.

Today I spent over an hour driving the streets of Saint Charles, looking for apartments for rent. The booty: three places. That's it. I drove every street in the area where we want to move to, I called all three places, and left three voice messages.

Today I find myself in an interesting situation: Time is short to find a new place. Prospects in our desired location are slim. So now what? Ah! The answer is so simple...

Don't worry. 


I'll let you know how I do, continuing to relish existence in the void of not knowing where I'll be living in six weeks. Update coming soon...

When it's All Worth it

Raising kids is hard. It's a complicated process that never ends - not even when they're "grown up" and out of the house. That's because as we teach our children, we're also ourselves learning how to teach them. And every lesson taught - and learned - or re-taught and re-learned - is again another new lesson - because the circumstances have changed: you're older, the child is older, the day's events are different, and every variable is different. The weather is different, too!

Raising kids is complicated - not just because it is - but because it's what we call life. Life is complicated. There are new variables every single day. You can't even perform the same, simple task the same way from one day to the next. Take a less simple task as an example: you learn to walk as a toddler. Then you run. Then you gain speed and mobility. You train. You run further, faster, longer. Then you get older. You lose some of your edge. And sometimes, you lose your ability to run at all. Or even walk. You can't approach running in the same way from one day to the next because you're not the same person from one day to the next. Life changes. It's one of only two constants*.

But here's the deal: some of the most memorable moments in the last six years of my feeble existence have been spent with my children. Those moments almost always relate to something they've done - a laugh, a tumble, a word or sentence, a mess.

These moments make you realize that yeah, as cliche as it sounds, you wouldn't trade your kids or these hard days for the world. Psalm 127:3. This post has made me start to think about some of those moments in my own life, going as far back as I can remember. I think I'm going to try to compile a list of them and post them here over the next year or so. (It will take a while to remember them, to think through the years, and I don't want to miss any.)

If you're wondering what that picture is in this post, it's my son's bedroom after he decided to remove all of his books from the bookshelf.

When I'm Not Me

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:CrayonLogs.jpg

Over the past month, I've had conversations with two different friends about what it means to be "me" - whoever you are. We all came to the same conclusion:

One thing that makes you you is that you find special satisfaction in doing a particular type (or types) of work. You've been uniquely gifted, and if you're not regularly exercising those gifts, you're acting contrary to how you were created to act.

Those gifts could be anything: dancing, typing, editing, marketing, talking with people, building, designing, writing, punching or crunching numbers, analyzing, caring for someone, snapping a picture, digging holes, driving, teaching, learning - whatever. The thing is, sometimes your desired vocation doesn't turn out to be your occupation - at least for a particular season in life. But hang in there. I say that as one who struggles with this very thing.

Just to clarify: vocation is just one part of who we are. It isn't the whole person. It's not even the most important part of the whole. But it's a part that gets over-emphasized in countries like the USA.

Starting Over

Have you ever wished that life had a "do over" button?

When I was younger, I used to say, literally, "This is my life. No regrets. I am who I am today because of what happened yesterday. End of story."

Do I still believe it? That's a hard question to answer.

Yes, I'm a product of my past, so at least that much is true.

But do I regret any of my past? Maybe the answer is "It doesn't matter, even if you do."

As a famous meerkat once said, "You got to put your past behind you."

Tonight I've got the whole evening to work on writing new music. My wife has graciously let me out of the house (and agreed to watch the chiluns). But I'm tired and having a hard time getting inspired. So I'm blogging instead, for now.

I'm hoping this whole process will inspire me - and you - to remember that "life's a dance, you learn as you go..."

PS: Anybody else getting freaked out by these crazy "appeals" on Wikipedia?!?!

Do over button image: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCPDB0QlqNs

I Don't HAVE to, I GET to

I love my family.

Sometimes they're difficult. Sometimes they prevent me from doing the things I love to do. But this is all just a part of life, isn't it? Anything can cause us difficulty or keep us from having fun, etc...

I think I'm learning that when you truly love, you're choosing to be in pain - as you love. Here's why:

Love is sacrificial - self-giving, other-oriented, not selfish at all. What does selfishness look like? Putting your desires above the desires of those you love, and when you don't get what you want, you make a big stink about it. (Keep in mind, love isn't one-way - it happens in relationship, so both people have to be giving of themselves, and sometimes it works out that someone is sacrificially loving you - you're the receiver.)

Next, when you hang your heart on the line - when you love - you're bound to be let down by the people you love. People suck. People hurt the people they love the most. Why? They don't really do it on purpose. It's a product of the fact that we spend the majority of our time with the people we love the most. People are prone to act contrary to the way they were originally designed to act (in perfect love).

Now here's how this post relates to my title:

A selfish man would say, "I have to stay home with my children during the day, so my wife can work a steady job." A loving man would say, "I get to stay home with my kids..." I'll be honest. I'm definitely feeling somewhere in between today. Of course, it's because I'm not perfect and I struggle with selfishness - probably more than the next man! But you can't say I'm not trying to work on or figure out how to fully, truly say "I get to..."

Also, my kids are cute. Seth in the leaves and Eleanor with wide eyes.

What All Great Music Does

Life is never what we expect.

Curve balls are thrown. Your dad gets cancer. You don't end up with the career you always envisioned. Your almost 30 and still single. You feel pressured to achieve the unachievable - the unidentifiably unachievable.

This is what life is.

Life is messy. Life is full of disappointments. Life is imperfect. Broken. Difficult. Desperate.

But great music can help.

There is one thing that all great songs have in common: they fill us with a sense of longing for a perfect, eternal future. They remind us that a glorious future is possible. They even contain within them a glimmer of that reality, and for a few, brief moments, we can be there. In that moment. At peace.

Music helps me to continue living.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately: what does it mean to be human? I think it means exactly what I've already described about the human experience: you feel disappointment and long for unattainable fulfillment. Or is it unattainable?

Many of my friends call me spiritual. Few call me religious.

I'd say if ever there were a need to believe in God it would be because we humans know that this unquenchable longing can not be satisfied by what we do, have, or accomplish. History has shown us that our deepest human desires can't be fulfilled by our own achievement. Time and again people "at the top" are the hardest to fall. They seemingly have everything and yet, they lose it all - and eventually, die like the rest of us. Have your actions, relationships, or possessions brought you perfect fulfillment yet? I'm guessing not.

We have to believe God exists. Without Him, we are utterly without hope of having our longings fulfilled. We already know we can't make it happen ourselves.

And I'd say that if ever there were a reason to believe that God can actually do it - can actually placate my (and your!) frenzied hunger - its because when I listen to great music - in that oh so small, fleeting moment, that's exactly what actually happens. I feel redeemed.

God exists because an unquenchable longing exists in our hearts that can't be satisfied by human activity - and we have to believe that this longing can be satisfied by something out of this world. And God is in fact able to do it because he gives us pieces of that satiety through music.

Do I think there's more to the story? Oh yeah. By grace, I'm trying to learn more of it every day.